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wBig Phil's Blog |
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This is now officially Big Phil's and Baby WAAAAAAAYYYYNNNEES's blog. and there is still a hot cow on top.
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wWednesday, December 14, 2005 |
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NEEDING TO BE REDEEMED AGAIN
Trust: To have or place reliance; depend
Faith: Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence
A couple of days ago I realized that I am extremely skilled at construction, I probably never would have realized it if it hadn't been for this past semester and extending into summer. I realized that for a little over a year now I had been constructing these walls around myself mainly around my heart; brick by brick, slowly I became extremely skilled at making these walls perfect and solid. These four walls that I built were family, friendships, grades, and serving (mainly in AACM). This past semester I thought I had everything together because I had these walls protecting me and God "blessed" me so I made these walls even higher and stronger. Occasionally an area of the wall would weaken or sometimes crumble but I would slowly build it back up or just depend on a different wall that was stonger.
You see for a long time now, I don't even know how long I trusted God because everything in my life was going well: my mom and sister had moved back and I was able to see them and take care of them, I had tons of friendships that I felt were strong and seemed like would last forever and I didn't have any girl problems...or they were at a minimum, my grades were great school was actually pretty easy to me, most of all I was leading a small group or somehow being a leader one way or another in AACM and I felt like I was truly serving God the way He wanted me to.
I had confused faith and trust so badly, my walls weren't bad things, in fact God did put people or things in my life to show his love for me but because things seemed to be going so well I got confused and started taking the credit for why things were going so well. It wasn't until all my walls crumbled til my faith was tested. And I know that God never causes us to sin but in a way it was sort of like the spirit leading me into the desert so I could reevaluate my faith. And I failed miserably, You see it didn't come all at once, one month my wall of family would crumble and I would start to rebuild that but then my wall of grades would crumble and I would try to rebuild that one and it was a cycle for me. My heart had depended on these walls so much for happiness and for joy, instead of leaving my heart open to God and finding my comfort and protection from Him.
Slowly I had stopped depending on God, and more on my skill of construction. See God any minute He wants to could take away everything I own and every person in my life, but I didn't face that reality, I refused to accept that anything horrible could happen to me. Until He did take down my walls and made me examine my heart when it was open and exposed, when it had nothing there but faith to depend on. It is then that you really have to start beliving in the Do Not Worry passage; or that God will truly answer our prayers if we seek Him because that is the only thing we can do.
To be honest there is no happy ending to this story, I'm still learning how to have faith in God, not just trusting in God because I have certain comforts or people to depend on.
"for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength"
Philippians 4:11-13
posted by
Phillip at Wednesday, December 14, 2005
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wWednesday, August 17, 2005 |
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Taiwan: Part 1
After 2 weeks of chillin, clubbing, Ktv-ing, eating, and just enjoying the pleasures of Taipei my last party in Taiwan was about to begin.
It would involve driving from Taipei going through Ilan, Hualian, Taitung then kending/hengchun and then back to taipei.
The Five of us would leave Taipei August 9th at 8am sharp
And my other friends would meet up with us in Kending on the 14th
there were 4 other ppl but I dont have individual pics.
We would be bringing one Toyota Wish
500 US dollars worth of fireworks which took up almost all the trunk space cuz it was 5 boxes
and enough VCDs to last almost 20 hours of driving
and at 9 am on Tuesday August 9th the 5 us of were on our way
posted by
Phillip at Wednesday, August 17, 2005
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wTuesday, July 19, 2005 |
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UNTITLED
Ever since I started reading the bible my senior year I always noticed one thing; I sort of understand the things Jesus teaches and they all sound like great principles but I could never relate to Jesus. If I used a person from the Bible as an example I would use Paul or David or Joseph, the only time I would use Jesus is when I or a friend is struggling to do or change as aspect of their life that they find almost impossbile to do so you throw in...what would Jesus do? (ex. There is someone you just hate with all your heart...oh but what would Jesus do, serve him love him anything but despise him).
I think my greatest problem with trying to identify a part of my life with my savior is prayer. Instead of falling face and knees down on the ground sweating blood from the intensity of my prayer I feel like I am the one of the disciples who falls asleep even when asked multiple times to pray, not knowing the importance of the situation. Jesus constantly reminds us in the gospel of Mark that as long as we pray with faith that we will be answered. What does it exactly mean then to pray with faith? Does that mean you have no doubt in your mind that God will answer your prayer? Or does it mean that as long as you believe in God's power that your prayer will be answered? I really cant say that when I pray for something that sounds extremely outrageous I dont have my doubts, the realistic side of me is always saying that will never happen but if I pray for you about it the percentage of it happening might increase by a little.
Just to let you know I'm not really going anywhere with this post...Im still struggling and going through his learning process. What I have learned is that I'm extremely inadequete, that I can't fix everything no matter how hard I try. I've also learned that I sort of downplay the power or at least ignore the power of satan, not using him as an excuse to why things happen but if he truly is the prince of evil then can he not affect me emotionally by putting these thoughts in my head? I think the one thing that I have learned this summer is that I don't know how to pray or at least to pray with faith, I don't know how to have a heart of complete trust in God and his power that I'm too emotionally attached to the harshness of life and that in turn has limited my views on the works God can perform. Paul says to live in the world but not to be of the world, that you can't keep your eyes on heavnly treasures and be satisfied by the treasures the world gives us. All in all I need to have that blind faith again, not blind that im ignorant of things that go on but in a sense that I have closed my eyes to where I am walking and holding Gods hand and letting him guide me.
posted by
Phillip at Tuesday, July 19, 2005
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wWednesday, June 08, 2005 |
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A YEAR WISER
sophomore year...often known as the sophomore slump. This is the time when you start to lose friends, your grades go down, and you're stuck between feeling old because you start to realize you will be an upperclassman soon yet you still feel young because you remember freshmen year like it was yesterday...and it was. It's crazy how much you're required to mature in college and how fast time seems to pass.
I look back now and though there are things I regret not doing and of course things that I do regret doing I can honestly say that this year has just been freaking awesome, I've learned so much about myself and about the people that I call friends. To me that's what college is about; the people that you meet who challenge you to become a better person and are there when you need prayer or encouragement. To me college isn't about joining clubs to boost your resume nor is it about constantly trying to improve your GPA (though those things are important); it's about making those friends where both of you can just pour all of yourself into each other. So without further delay I will stop ranting and satisfy those who are more visual and those that require words that are much more inspiring than mine.
"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." - Anonymous
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with." - Mark Twain
"Life begets life. Energy becomes energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich" - Sarah Bernhardt
"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." Â? Aristotle
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
"Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived." - Anonymous
I guess the one lesson I've learned about myself and the people I love is to always remember where you come from...
but it's also important to open up and bring new friends along for the ride
and with that I leave you with a last verse and a goodbye (for now)
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10
posted by
Phillip at Wednesday, June 08, 2005
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